My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
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No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.