Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
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Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I like crazy people until they notice me
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food