Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
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Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Me in tagged photos