ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
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Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Mouse
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Smooooooth
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known