There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
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[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
it be like that
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.