every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
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I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
mood
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I don’t know what to do
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
one of
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Noah was an idiot.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.