Erm…
You Might Also Like
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet