If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
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Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.