This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
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I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus