dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
me: sorry but i just canβt sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:βs: youβre fired
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
βSo your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.β
βThatβs right.β
βAnd itβs called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?β
βYesβ
βButs it not really about Christmas is it? Itβs mostly about figgyββ
ββfiggy pudding yeah.β
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
haha, if iβm supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the dennyβs parking lot?
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
Thatβs for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how Iβm parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying βWell, look how well you turned outβ and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that Iβd be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Roganβs laugh.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
