January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
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Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?