wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
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4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*