[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
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There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
how long have you had this for?
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.