Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
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i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I love it all
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Raisins are grape jerky.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email