My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
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If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?