[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
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Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Many hands make light work
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.