My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
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When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia