[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
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A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Labreador
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Never ghost your hitman.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.