Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
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me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
gm
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
The Punning Dead.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap