employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
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Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I saw nothing
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!