That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
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The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.