A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
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Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations