If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
You Might Also Like
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
The internet is magic sometimes.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast