For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
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The devil.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Terribly Tuesday.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next