[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
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*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.