The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
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Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I’m dying louder than usual today.