<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
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Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn鈥檛 stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we鈥檇 all be a lot skinnier.
I hate when there鈥檚 a knock on your door and you open the door and it鈥檚 someone.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they鈥檙e Christmas presents for him and he doesn鈥檛 ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Him: you鈥檇 look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I鈥檝e tried that and I just look blurry
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
馃ぃ
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I鈥檓 moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
GF: I think he鈥檚 gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT