WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
You Might Also Like
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
🤯🤯🤯
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
A new level of troll.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.