Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
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I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
a lot to unpack here
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face