Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
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Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents