Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
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Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Breaking news:
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.