I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
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GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
The options really are this bad
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
the official breakfast of 2021
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity