Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
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It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for