My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
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So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Lol
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.