Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
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At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Never ghost your hitman.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date