Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
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I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
When your parents check you’re ok.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim