The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
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A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Don’t tell me what to do
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
secret recipe