When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
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Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
japanese corn
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
A drum solo but on your face.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.