As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
You Might Also Like
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff