I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”