If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
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[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
So many pants.
So little yoga.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.