listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
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My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Trying
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS