Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
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You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Mhm.
“A little help here, Danny?”
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.