Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
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Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Ain’t no way
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy