when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
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Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild