[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
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just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.