Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
found my next D&D character name
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.