I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
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ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive