Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
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Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”