I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
You Might Also Like
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?